US Leads Bazil 1 Omaha Homeschool Learning Centers to 0

Despite Google animators’ best efforts, soccer is not going to become popular in the United States. Americans typically watch soccer for two reasons: their child is in a soccer game, usually looking skyward, or they’ve fallen asleep watching something else on ESPN 2. My visiting sister-in-law disagreed: it’s going great guns where they come from. However, I was talking about America whereas they live in California.

Still, when I heard there was some sort of world competition, I assumed that we would win despite our apathy. Shoot, we crown world champions in sports and don’t even invite foreigners to compete (unless you count Canada, but why would you do that?)

I heard a rumor that we were playing Ghana, which I thought at first was some late night joke that was taken seriously. Then I found out that we had actually lost to them in previous years.

Ghana? How do you lose to Ghana? The whole country is the size of Idaho, and they have one-tenth our population, which is confined to Africa for long stretches of time. Their people earn approximately 96.77% less than we do. In other words, you lose more money between your couch cushions than the typical Ghanan makes in a year. How do they even afford soccer balls?

I’m relieved to tell you that we eked out a 2-1 victory this year. We’re playing Portugal next, which apparently did not disappear after helping to settle the new world.

If you are as lost as I am, try our geography class this fall. Or just wait for football season when all I have to remember is that the Colts are no longer in Baltimore.