The Learning Center says (in its deepest voice), “You thought you knew all about our classes…”

You never know where hidden gems will turn up (cause they’re hidden, duh.) When seeking Biblical insights, Hollywood isn’t usually my first stop. But in the trailer for the new animated movie David, the narrator intones, “You thought you knew all about the story of David…”

And then—bam—the Skip button appears.* Did I watch more? Nope. Will that stop me from wildly speculating about giant-slaying, rooftop romance, musical earworms, and casual beheadings? Please.

For instance, he probably has a chill, lizardy sidekick, Gila, who injects some much-needed humor into what is otherwise a pretty serious book. (“Dude, when I said he could be stoned, it went a different direction in my head.”)

There are so many possibilities for hilarious hijinks and snort spirals along the way. Picture David drowning in Saul’s XXXLLBC armor, or Gila’s retort when David nonchalantly beheads his opponent: “Bro, that escalated way beyond my suggestion.”

We may also discover that David’s penchant for music* apparently began when he would inexplicably burst into song, culminating in his showdown with the pagan gargantuan:

Time to throw! Time to throw!
Can’t hold this stone anymore!
Let it go! Let it go!
And Goliath hits the floor…

Here I stand
As God's right hand.*
God's foes never bothered me anyway.

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But first a word from our sponsor. Here at the Learning Center, some of our favorite classes have escaped notice. For instance:

The Littles (ages 4-7) Go Kids Go: This was a smash hit with kids and parents last year, taught by that fit, fun, and fearless force of nature, Mrs. Riddle, whose motto is “Send them back sweaty.”

Kiddos (ages 6-10) Greek Myths: Kids love these OG superheroes! (Don’t be nervous just because you remember some distasteful nuggets. Do you really think we’d teach those? Have you seen our dress code? Not to mention that the material is overseen by Mrs. Winn. Don’t let the unforgettable moments of shared fun in class fool you. At heart, she’s a traditional, deeply committed, uptight Christian who seals out any nasty cultural seepage.)

Tweens (ages 10-14) The Shakespeare Stealer: A forgotten modern classic full of suspense, feeling, and fun. Pro Tip: use the audiobook or don’t read it at all! Kids will get hooked through discussion alone, exploring themes of friendship, bravery, loyalty, and moral courage, capped off with hands-on activities that bring Shakespeare’s world to life.

Teens (ages 13+) Year-Long Classes. Pro Tip: all “year-long” classes are now open to everyone, including General and Physical Science, American Government, Geography, and Psychology 101. Spanish (ages10-14) is also open to newcomers.

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Now, we return you to the David movie: think of the potential sequels and spin-offs: Love, Loot, &  Levites, The Real Housewives of Judah, Love’s Unkind, Mama Drama: The Solomon Test, and Goliath: High School Musical.

Not to mention the crossover opportunities with the Hallmark Channel. Finally, a solution to the perpetual rom-com problem: how to avoid ruining a show by bringing the couple together.
No problems here: David can just start wooing his next bride-to-be. Imagine the endless meet-cutes (on the roof, spyglass in hand) and the parade of royal weddings. Sure, these shows would earn a PG rating (for PolyGamy*), but sadly some of us have adopted a not-entirely willing suspension of moral belief.* True, there are some wholesome shows out there, but regretfully I can no longer consume them since my diabetes diagnosis.

So, what’s the moral of all this? Hidden gems abound, if not in sus Biblical adaptations, then at least in our classes. At the Learning Center, we don’t just teach—we unleash classes sprinkled with unexpected fun, with joy, laughter, and just enough chaos to keep you on your toes, plus a few “aha” moments that sneak past your expectations.

Just don’t hit Skip.

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NOTES

*…as soon as the Skip button appears: I'm submitting a new unit of time, the skipit, to the Department of Weights and Measures; it’s based on the amount of time it takes for the Skip button to appear during an advertisement (e.g., I patiently waited two skipits before I interrupted him.)

*David's penchant for music*: see Psalms (Psalms, Holy Bible*)

*(Psalms, Holy Bible): surprisingly, neither the Bible nor its books are italicized or underlined unless referring to a specific edition
     Q: So why is it italicized in the previous footnote?
     A: That ‘s just my formatting for footnotes. Look at all the other ones. C’mon now, keep up.

*for PolyGamy: Interestingly, there is almost no Biblical condemnation of polygamy (and several instances of praise. Forget Mt. 19:4 (Jesus’ reply to the divorce question), which concerns subtraction, not addition. The only one that may work can be found many skipits prior in Mt. 6:24: “No man can serve two masters.”

*a not-entirely willing suspension of moral belief: “Willing suspension of disbelief" is the audience's conscious choice to accept the unrealities of a fictional story as true for the duration of the narrative, a concept coined by poet and literary critic Samuel Taylor Coleridge in 1817. (“Suspension of Disbelief,” Wikipedia.)
[Remember a time before AI when you thought Wikipedia was the problem?]

*As God's right hand…This is intended only to suggest that David is doing God’s work on Earth and not to start some brouhaha about Biblical typology.* Frankly, I just needed something to rhyme with stand.

*As God's right hand…This is intended only to suggest that David is doing God’s work on Earth and not to start some brouhaha* about Biblical typology.* Frankly, I just needed something to rhyme with stand.

*Brouhaha: a Donnybrook.

*Typology: a method of biblical interpretation seeing Old Testament people, events, or objects as foreshadowing greater realities in the New Testament

   Q: Man, how many rabbit holes can this guy go down?
   A: All of them.