The Learning Center Is About To Ruin Your Day (but perhaps save your fall)

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Hello Summery Moms,

It’s mostly sunny, getting warmer every week, the pools and splash pads are open, and it’s still so early that you don’t have to hear anyone saying, “This summer’s going too fast!”  

And now I have to ruin everything by talking about school in the fall: but there is only one more week for volunteers to snatch up their favorite classes.

I know, I know: you just want to close your eyes and not think about it, listening to the shouts and splashing, soaking up the warmth, and smelling the mixture of sunscreen and chlorine. (Alas for this generation that will never know the exotic aroma of Hawaiian Tropic Coconut Butter suntan lotion!)

But those darn classes are filling up again. Our goal is to relieve your stress, but here we are adding another item to your endless to-do list. I swear, this was never our intention. Once we were a happy little learning center: we’d offer a few classes and hope someone would show up. Now it seems we have become an evil empire, a corrupt conglomerate, the Monsanto of Montessoris.

I do want to make clear that in general, I encourage escapes into illusions. This, by the way, is a 180 degree turn from my younger zealous self who saw himself as a SEEKER OF TRUTHS. Little did I know how bitter those earthly truths would turn out to be. (One might think that my Christian theology might have helped me to anticipate these results, rather than it being yet another example of the difference between intelligence and wisdom.)

So now I am in constant search for illusion and distraction. For instance, instead of hearing more about the latest assault on America’s vestigial democracy, I focus on such stories as “Anna Sorokin Accessorized Cream Suit Dress with a Sparkly, Monogrammed Ankle Monitor for Court,” “Woman’s Butter-Themed Birthday Party Goes Viral,” and “These Adorable Rescue Dogs Will Take the Ice for the First-Ever Stanley Pup!”

Are they insipid? Are they unsavory? Of course, but remember your etymology: the root of both insipid and unsavory is “without taste,” which is preferable to my previous diet. My main objection to this fare is that their banality cannot remove the acrid after-taste that still lingers. Maybe I can find a used bottle of Hawaiian Tropic on eBay and bask in the aroma until I drown in delight…

If I ever find it, I promise to post the smell and send you a link.